


The Hot List, in which the NYC Familiar Discord Rank their Masters

by HeartlessMemo



Series: Soft Nandermo Hours (Stand-Alone Fics) [3]
Category: What We Do in the Shadows (TV)
Genre: Blood Drinking, Crack, Crack and Angst, Discord - Freeform, Familiars, Getting Together, M/M, Nandor is betrayed on the internet, Nandor vs Technology, Nandor's hair, bitching about work on the internet, kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-03
Updated: 2020-09-03
Packaged: 2021-03-06 18:29:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,541
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26273392
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HeartlessMemo/pseuds/HeartlessMemo
Summary: “Viago! Nancy the Relentless! Evan! I suppose these are all vampires you’ve been dreaming of doing the hanky panky with! Putting them on the top of your list above your own master! That’s two demerits, Guillermo!”“What!? No! Master, I didn’t make the list! We vote on it! Everyone gets a say. If I made the list of course you’d be at the top--”***The familiars of New York City use Discord to connect and blow off steam...and also to rank their masters’ hotness. Nandor discovers this impertinence and throws an internet fit.
Relationships: Guillermo de la Cruz/Nandor the Relentless
Series: Soft Nandermo Hours (Stand-Alone Fics) [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1881676
Comments: 30
Kudos: 128





	The Hot List, in which the NYC Familiar Discord Rank their Masters

**Author's Note:**

> Oh, wow. Is this anything? Thanks to the Nandermo Discord for existing and also for brainstorming this idea with me. Esp. UpstartCrow, Spiff, Risky, and Dru.

**_NYC Familiar Chat_ **

**_#thirsty_ **

**Celeste-is-Best** : nngh, have you guys seen Mr. 50ss’s’s’ss instagram story????

 **Celeste-is-Best** : He’s so pretty! it’s like turn me, already!

 **Imurdad | colby** : I know, right? I can’t believe he’s only 7 on the hot list…

[ **Gigi the great** and **sam teh pretty** like this]

 **Gigi the great:** Don’t forget to vote on this month’s poll!!

**Best Hair!**

_We’re the ones who make them look pretty--but who’s the prettiest one of all? This month we’re voting on the NYC vampire with the best hair. Cast your vote!_

  1. Simon the Devious
  2. Nandor the Relentless
  3. Tilda
  4. Evan
  5. Houston
  6. Nancy the Relentless



\---

Guillermo locked his phone with a little smile. If he could he’d vote a hundred times for Nandor’s hair. It was unlikely that his master would win against the likes of Evan, Tilda and Nancy. He’d thrown Simon on there as a joke and was kind of horrified by how many familiars seemed to be _into_ the limp mullet look. To each their own, he guessed.

On that note, it was almost nightfall and Nandor’s hair wasn’t going to brush itself. Guillermo made his way into the crypt, lighting candles and gathering the soft brush, comb, detangler spray and hair oils. Nandor was what he lovingly referred to as “high maintenance.” He was also surprisingly pitiful for a 750-year old warlord. It took Guillermo ages every night to carefully tease out and brush the knots from his hair without hurting him. It should’ve been annoying after so many years, but the chore remained one of the highlights of Guillermo’s day. 

For one thing, he got to touch his master without being scolded or hissed at. So that was nice. For another thing, Nandor’s hair was as soft as his personality was prickly. Guillermo would often drag out the task, running his fingers through the silky strands and lightly touching Nandor’s jaw to get him to tilt his head this way or that. 

He was doing just that, as well as admiring the expanse of cream and bronze skin revealed by the open collar of Nandor’s loose shirt, when the vampire opened his mouth. 

“Guillermooo...Did you happen to get any virgins for tonight?”

Guillermo’s fingers momentarily tightened around a hank of his master’s hair. He imagined giving it a sharp tug. He forced himself to loosen his grip and replied, “No, master, I’m sorry. Virgins are getting pretty thin on the ground lately. I managed to pick up a couple people from a bible study class, though. They should taste pretty innocent, right?”

Nandor made a disgusted sound in the back of his throat before answering, “You’d be surprised.”

\---

**_NYC Familiar Chat_ **

**_#the-struggle_ **

**Gigi the great** : I know we all jealously guard our sources, but I’ve been in a dry spell for a few weeks and my master is going to lose it and drink me one of these nights. Anyone have any new leads on virgins in the area?

 **Gigi the great** : I’ve tried the usual stuff...LARPers, church socials, chastity clubs (surprisingly unhelpful…). I’m kinda desperate!

**_Direct Messages_ **

**Celeste-is-Best** : only because you had my back last month when I ran out of burial sites…

 **Gigi the great** : OMG! Celeste, please!! 🙏 **🥺**

 **Celeste-is-Best:** there’s a magic the gathering tournament in brighton heights this weekend...😈

 **Gigi the great** : You are like the virgin whisperer, Celeste. Thank you!

 **Celeste-is-Best:** np

 **Celeste-is-Best:** hey! Are you posting the poll results soon? I voted for Tilda--don’t tell Houston!! LOL

**_#main_ **

**Gigi the great** : The results are in! The vampire with the best hair in NYC is……..EVAN!

Check out the Google Form for the full results...

_docs.google.com...best_hair_

  1. Evan (26%)
  2. Tilda (22%)
  3. Nancy the Relentless (17%)
  4. Simon the Devious (16%)
  5. Nandor the Relentless (13%)
  6. Houston (6%)



\---

“What are you typing over there on your intelligent phone?”

Guillermo hurriedly tucked his phone away and looked up to find his master mopping blood from his mouth with a lace-trimmed handkerchief. They were in an alleyway a few buildings down from the comic shop. The limp body of Nandor’s victim lay discarded on the dirty ground. Guillermo smiled affectionately at Nandor trying and failing to clean himself. He took the hanky from him and set about doing the job himself. The snow white fabric was quickly drenched in dark red arterial blood. 

“I was just, um...checking on another potential virgin source,” he lied. 

The familiar Discord was strictly secret. If any of their masters ever found it and saw their human servants’ uncensored discussions... The thought sent a panicked tremor down Guillermo’s spine and he thought--for the thousandth time--that he should delete the app and not look back. But the idea of continuing with this emotionally draining, thankless job without his little support system was just as disturbing. Besides, the server had really come through for him tonight.

“ _Well done, Guillermo!_ ” Nandor praised him and Guillermo’s heart swelled pathetically. A small, shameful part of him imagined Nandor patting him on the head and he didn’t hate it. “That was the most delicious virgin I’ve had in months!”

“Thank you, master,” Guillermo smiled sweetly, his cheeks dimpling. Nandor watched him for a long moment and he could swear he saw his master’s eyes linger on his mouth. He shut that thought down before it could bloom into a hope that was only doomed for disappointment. 

“Well…I’ll see you back at the house.” Nandor vanished before his eyes, taking his bat form and darting out of the alley with a high-pitched squeak and a furious flap of his leathery wings.

Guillermo sighed, looked at the broken body and wondered if he’d be able to fit his car down the narrow alley or if he’d have to drag the corpse to the opening. He fished out his keys and started the short walk back to his parking spot. All the while thinking, with distracted horror, _Simon the Devious beat out Nandor for best hair?!? Really?_

\---

**_Direct Messages_ **

**Gigi the great** : Hey, thanks! The Magic tournament was a hit!

 **Celeste-is-Best** : i do live to serve…

 **Gigi the great** : Har har.

**_#bitch-session_ **

**mish-bish** : Ugh!!! Pretty sure my asshole master is hypnotizing me again.

 **call-me-karen** : That’s rough, Misha! You wanna talk about it? My master lets me take the car whenever I want. I can come pick you up…

 **mish-bish** : Yeah, like...I definitely have a huge black hole in my memories from last night. Fuck.

 **mish-bish** : Oh, that’s ok Karen. Thanks.

 **Gigi the great** : Hey _@mish-bish_ . Sorry you’re having a hard time. If you feel up to it, check out the _#support_ channel. A lot of other familiars have gone through this and talked about it there. Sometimes it helps to hear how others cope!

\---

“Guillermo! Guillermoooo!”

Nandor’s panicked bellow reached him all the way in the basement where he was checking his lye supply. Guillermo huffed it up the stairs and raced into the fancy room where he found his master staring aghast at his laptop.

“Wh-what is it, master?” he asked, bent over and catching his breath.

“Someone named... _Rap4Unlyfe_ has sent me a fake news!” Nandor wailed, gesturing to the laptop as if the device was personally responsible. 

Guillermo suppressed an eyeroll and walked over to sit beside his master. He watched in dismay as Nandor scooched farther down the couch but he tried not to let it sting too much. 

The browser was open to Nandor’s Hotmail account. He leaned forward to read the open message, unsure what to expect. The blood drained from his face as he read.

**from** : rap4unlyfe@sassycat.com

 **cc** : devious@sassycat.com; nandortherelentless@hotmail.com; travelbug54@aol.com ...

 **subject** : rofl bahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahah

yooooooooooooooooOO!

Has ne1 else seen there familiars on this site??? I hypnotized mine last nite to give me his phone password and...👀 

_Mierda_. There were two screenshots attached. One was the survey results page from the “best hair” poll. The other was an excerpt from the chat, specifically Guillermo posting the winner of the poll and the link to the results. 

Guillermo’s face fell into an adorably distressed frown. He darted a glance at Nandor but the vampire just looked confused. It wasn’t clear if he yet suspected that his own familiar might be “Gigi the great.”

“Huh…” Guillermo leaned back and smoothed his expression into one of untroubled amusement. “You’re right, looks like fake news. You should probably just ignore it.”

Nandor punched his fist into his thigh and snapped, “But Guillermo! I cannot let this go unanswered! This...this...ludicrous insult! Imagine...me losing a hair contest. Everyone knows I have the most beautiful hair!”

Guillermo blushed magnificently, “Of course, master! This is just...a prank. Someone playing a mean trick on you. You shouldn’t give them the satisfaction--”

The laptop chimed. Guillermo dove to prevent Nandor from reaching it but the vampire simply slapped him away with a petulant whine, “Give me that! _Fucking guy_ …”

Nandor’s lips curled into a snarl as his eyes scanned over the screen. 

“Oh, no! Now they are making a mockery of me on the ether net!”

**from** : devious@sassycat.com 

**cc** : nandortherelentless@hotmail.com; travelbug54@aol.com; rap4unlyfe@sassycat.com… 

**subject** : RE: rofl bahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahah

Oh! That is too delicious! Suck it, Houston and Nandor! 

It gets even better. Have you seen this, yet?

 _vamp_hot_list.doc_

“Guillermo, what is a hot list?” Nandor asked with a worried frown, clicking on the attachment. 

“No, master! Don’t--”

It was too late. He watched as his master’s eyes lit with understanding and then intrigue and finally outrage.

“29?! I am number 29 on your dirty hot vampire list!? What is the meaning of this?” Nandor bristled like an angry porcupine, his eyes shooting metaphorical quills into Guillermo’s soft flesh.

“It’s not _my_ list, master!” he insisted and then, guiltily, “Not _only_ mine…”

“Guillermo!” Nandor gasped, his eyes returning to the screen for a moment before pinning him with outraged accusation. “So, it is you!? You are...Gigi the great? Well, I do not think you are so great, little guy! In fact I think you’re pretty un-great right now! And disrespectful!”

Guillermo sank into the couch cushions, melting under his master’s ire and replying miserably, “It’s not as bad as it looks!”

Nandor turned back to the screen and began reading off names from the top of the list, “Viago! Nancy the Relentless! Evan! I suppose these are all vampires you’ve been dreaming of doing the hanky panky with! Putting them on the top of your list above your own master! That’s _two demerits_ , Guillermo!”

“What!? No! Master, I didn’t make the list! We vote on it! Everyone gets a say. If I made the list _of course_ you’d be at the top--”

Guillermo snapped his mouth shut. His face was on fire and he felt like crying. Nandor must have _some_ inkling of his crush, right? After ten years of service? This couldn’t really be the life-ending mortification that it felt like. He waited, wide-eyed, for his master’s reaction. Nandor stared at him, his huge, dark eyes filled with shock and anger. After a long minute he turned back to the laptop, waving a hand dismissively in Guillermo’s face.

“Go to your room now, Guillermo! I need to think of how to punish this impertinence!”

Guillermo stood, barely holding in humiliated tears. He gestured to the device in Nandor’s lap, “My laptop…”

Nandor held it out of Guillermo’s reach and hissed, “No! Vampire only computer time, Guillermo!”

Guillermo left, trudging out of the room with a sinking feeling in his stomach as the sound of Nandor’s flop-wristed typing followed him out the door.

\---

**_#main_ **

**Gigi the great** : Is everyone okay?

 **call-me-karen** : not fukcing great!

 **Imurdad | colby** : Seriously! WTF!!?

**Gigi the great is typing…**

Guillermo lay on his little cot with the crocheted blanket his amá made for him pulled up to his chin. Tears streaked down his cheeks and the phone’s glare reflected in his glasses. He thought back to every off handed complaint, every silly photo turned into a “master-shaming” meme, every confession, every joke. All of them laid bare to the world. The Discord server started out as goofy, harmless fun. The hot list was the perfect embodiment of that. But it became so much more. Being a familiar could be lonely. You were isolated from other humans and surrounded by cold, uncaring monsters all the time. Guillermo loved Nandor. Everyone knew this...there were even memes about it on the server! But sometimes his master’s aloofness got to be too much and he needed to reach out to other humans who understood him! 

He threw his phone down onto the mattress, angrily pawing at his teary eyes and wondering if this was it. Not just the end of _NYC Familiar Chat_ , but the end of Guillermo the Great, his long-dreamed-of vampire alias. There was no way Nandor would keep him as a familiar after this…

\---

_**Direct Messages** _

**Celeste-is-Best** : OMG! Guillermo, have you seen this?

 **Celeste-is-Best** : http://familiar-hot-list.colinrobinson.net

 **Celeste-is-Best** : hey, if this is Nandor’s big revenge scheme I think you’re going to be ok

 **Celeste-is-Best** : we miss you! 

\---

Guillermo heard his master calling him and cringed. It had been a week since the hot list incident and Nandor had spent every waking moment making little jabs at his familiar and grousing about how he’d been betrayed on the internet. But to Guillermo’s surprisingly intense relief, he hadn’t been fired. After ten years of disappointment and hopeless pining, Guillermo half-expected to welcome the prospect of finally being put out of his misery, so to speak. He was kind of shocked, therefore, to feel happiness and gratitude that his master had decided to keep him around, even if only as a verbal punching bag.

He found Nandor in the library, smugly brandishing the purloined laptop. 

“Come have a look at your punishment, Guillermo,” Nandor patted the couch beside him. “This is what happens when you disrespect vampires on the ether net.”

Guillermo swallowed the lump in his throat and collapsed beside Nandor feeling like a man condemned. Their thighs pressed together but for once Nandor didn’t move away. He shoved the laptop at Guillermo and handed him a yellow sticky note with Colin Robinson’s handwriting on it.

“Colin Robinson has assisted in creating a webpage for your disgrace. We have done our own hot list! A familiar hot list. All of the New York vampires voted. So, now you can see how not nice it feels to have your hotness besmirched for all the world to see.”

Guillermo typed in the URL and blinked as the neon green background scorched his retinas. The page was a hideous callback to the internet of the late 1990s right down to the hit counter at the bottom. There was a border of pixelated dancing Draculas surrounding bright orange text.

_NYC Familiar Hotness Ranking_

  1. _Guillermo (Nandor the Relentless) - 19%_



Guillermo looked at the screen, then over at Nandor, then back to the screen again.

“Master? Have you looked at the results yet?”

Nandor’s brow knit with confusion, “No, why? What does it say?”

He grabbed the laptop and squinted against the garish colors. Guillermo watched Nandor’s face carefully as he read the results. He looked surprised and almost...pleased at first, before giving in to his patented aggravation.

“Fucking Colin Robinson!”

\---

**_New NYC Familiars Group!_ **

**_#welcome_ **

**Imurdad | colby** : Hey @everyone! Welcome to the new Discord server. Guillermo has stepped down as a mod but he’ll still be around. We don’t have a perfect solution for the security problems we had with the last server. We’re asking everyone to be vigilant about hypnosis and if you feel like you’re losing time, please be sure to secure your phones/computers away from your masters….

\---

 **to** : nandortherelentless@hotmail.com

 **from** : travelbug54@aol.com

 **subject** : Something you might want to see…

Hey Nandoorman! How’s it hangin’? 

Listen, I’m sorry that your revenge didn’t go as planned. I noticed you’ve been a little short with Gizmo ever since this whole thing started. As someone who cares about my roomie, I want to advise you to knock it the hell off. Also, I don’t relish the thought of returning to the days before Gizmo came along. Do you even remember what the house used to look like? Pools of blood everywhere. Dead bodies. Melted candles all over the place...

I digress… I managed to snag this screenshot from Count Rapula. I think you may find it interesting.

Your pal,

Colin Robinson 

_discord_gizmo.jpg_

**_#confessions_ **

**Gigithegreat** : Hey guys. This isn’t easy for me to share but I know I’m not the only one who’s dealt with this and if I can help one of you feel less alone then I’ll be glad. As most of you know, I recently “celebrated” my 10th anniversary as Nandor’s familiar. I was convinced, absolutely convinced, that my master was going to make me into a vampire. Well, once again it didn’t happen. He made me this weird portrait out of glitter instead. And the thing is...like, I should leave, right? He’s never going to turn me and that’s the basis for our whole arrangement. I serve him faithfully, he turns me into a vampire. It’s simple, right? So why am I still here? Why am I still burying bodies for him and making human sacrifices? Dressing and feeding him? Treating him like he’s some kind of god and not an ancient cranky baby? It’s because I’m in love with him. Hopelessly, stupidly, self-destructively in love with my vampire master who thinks of me as nothing more than a really well-trained poodle who can talk. Why? WHY? Because he makes me laugh. Because he’s fiercely protective of his vampire family and (sometimes) that includes me. Because when we’re alone he can be so adorably, painfully vulnerable and it feels like a privilege that I get to witness that side of him. Because he does ridiculously stupid but considerate things like spending hours making me a glitter portrait. When he’s happy with me I feel like I could float and when he’s disappointed I feel like being swallowed up by a sinkhole. And, yeah, he’s also man-of-my-dreams outrageously hot and I cannot believe you cretins have him ranked #29 on the hot list. It’s a crime. 

**Gigithegreat** : So, yeah. That’s why I stay. I’m no longer hoping for a bite that will never happen. Now it’s a kiss, a hug, a touch, a look. Anything he’s willing to give me I’ll gladly hoard in my little closet-room along with my glitter portrait. Because I’m pathetic. That’s it. That’s the confession.

 **Imurdad | colby** : Brave words, Guillermo. Hang in there, friend.

 **blood_princess** : this is a mood

 **sam teh pretty** : Sending you healing head scritches ❤️

 **Celeste-is-Best** : look, i think i speak for us all when i say we need to see this glitter portrait!!!

_[You’re Viewing Older Messages … Jump To Present? ￬]_

\---

Nandor looked uncharacteristically thoughtful while Guillermo readied him for sleep. The familiar guessed he was still angry that his little revenge plot had backfired. He couldn’t help but feel a little smug about his position as the hottest NYC familiar. Even if he was pretty sure it was mostly due to the other vampires messing with Nandor. Guillermo couldn’t really enjoy his victory, though, not with Nandor’s feelings of betrayal still weighing on his heart.

Nandor’s face was a stoic mask as Guillermo helped him undress. He cooperated listlessly, picking up his feet for Guillermo to remove his heavy boots, lifting his arms up over his head as Guillermo took off his brocade tunic. Finally, he placed his giant hand in Guillermo’s soft, small one and stepped up into his coffin. Guillermo stood by the side of the coffin as he always did, watching over Nandor with affection choking his throat. Nandor smoothed his hair down and crossed his arms over his chest.

“Sweet dreams, master,” Guillermo whispered, leaning across him to catch the lid of the coffin.

“Wait, Guillermo,” Nandor spoke without looking at him, his eyes fixed on the ceiling. “I wish to say something to you.”

Guillermo’s heart sank in his chest. _Oh no...his stupid middle schooler revenge didn’t work and now he’s going to send me away…_ Tears pricked his eyes and he choked, “C-can’t it wait until tomorrow, master?”

“No. I must say this now,” Nandor responded, oblivious to his familiar’s internal drama. “I want to say to you that--and I think I’m being extremely gracious and lenient here--it is fine for you to have your little, pathetic familiar group on the dark internet.”

“O-oh,” Guillermo quickly swiped the tears from his eyes, “thank you, master…”

“But no more mee-mees, Guillermo! _Master-shaming_...very disrespectful!”

“Of course!” Guillermo laughed, delirious with relief. 

Nandor looked up at him with a final warning glance before softening, “Alright, then. As long as we are clear on that…”

There was a long beat of silence during which Guillermo found himself locked inside his master’s gaze. Nandor’s eyes were like pools of rich, melted chocolate. Guillermo imagined himself as the German kid from Willy Wonka and for a second he was in danger of breaking down into giggles. But then his master spoke in that soft, uncertain tone he only used when they were alone and he was feeling fragile.

“Guillermo...did you really vote for me to be the number one hottest vampire?” Nandor toyed with the buttons on his shirt and looked up at his familiar with a shy, open expression.

Guillermo’s cheeks burned and he wanted to laugh and hide and kiss his master on the mouth all at once.

“Yes, master, I did. You’re…” he cleared his throat and tightened his grip on the lip of the coffin, “so handsome, master. So beautiful...”

He watched his master’s chest expand with pride and his lips twitch into a haughty smirk. 

“That’s true, Guillermo. Good job for noticing,” Nandor praised him in a voice that was a little too loud. It rang with a false sense of self-assurance. After a few seconds he went on in a quieter tone, “Do you know, I--this is very silly, Guillermo, you mustn't tell anyone this--I voted for you, too. As the hottest familiar…”

Guillermo’s stomach did a little swoop and his lips curved into a blinding smile. His dumb, beautiful master thought he was attractive? Guillermo tried to reel himself in; he tried to remind himself that Nandor probably only voted for him to boost his own reputation. But--wait?--hadn’t the list been meant as a revenge against Guillermo? _God, what a handsome idiot._

“Thank you, master,” Guillermo gushed and now he was certain that Nandor’s eyes strayed too long on his smiling lips and red, dimpled cheeks. 

“Alright then!” Nandor pulled the emergency break on the moment. “Time for my evil slumber. Night night, Guillermo!”

And in a slow motion moment that would feature in Guillermo’s dreams that night, Nandor reached up and put his hand over his. Nandor’s cool, smooth palm rubbed over the back of Guillermo’s warm hand and his fingers squeezed slightly. The breath rushed from Guillermo’s lungs and he could only squeak in reply, shutting his master into his coffin and moving away with a dazed smile on his face.

A muffled sound came from the coffin just as Guillermo reached the door to the crypt.

_“...And I don’t think of you as a poodle…”_

“What was that, master?” Guillermo called.

“Nothing, Guillermo!”

Guillermo shuffled off to his little room feeling like he was carrying a happy little flame inside his chest. For once he gave himself permission to hope without fearing disappointment.

\---

**_New NYC Familiars Group!_ **

**_#thirsty_ **

**Celest-is-Best** : SORRY NOT SORRY!!!! Simon can get it…

**blood_princess** : ummmm thirst after your own master, Celeste. Oops sorry she’s 12.

 **mish-bish** : Lmaooo. Gross Celeste!

 **Celeste-is-Best** : listen.

 **Celeste-is-Best** : ...i got nothin. I want his evil dick.

…

 **Gigi the great** : Please look respectfully at this photo I snuck of my master the other night. Do I really need to explain myself further???

**Celeste-is-Best** : that’s it. guillermo, ask nandor if he needs another familiar. my body is ready!

 **Gigi the great** : Back off, bitch!!!!

 **Gigi the great** : jk love u

 **Gigi the great** : but srsly back off

**_#master-shaming_**

**_mish-bish:_** submitted without comment

[ **Imurdad | colby** , **Gigi the great** , **Sam teh Cat** , and **6 others** like this]

...

 **Gigi the great** : **🙄🙄🙄**

****

**Gigi the great:** ~~I hate him~~ I love him

**_#main_ **

**black-peterrr** : ohohoho, has anyone talked to Guillermo lately…..?

 **black-peterrr** : a little raven told me he and Nandor were seen HOLDING HANDS in the park the other night…

 **call-me-karen** : WHATTTTTTTT

 **Celeste-is-Best** : **@Gigi the great** , CONFIRM OR DENY!! GIIIIIGIIII!

 **Gigi the great** : ……...I don’t kiss and tell 😉

 **Imurdad | colby** pinned a post

 **Imurdad | colby** : This is momentous.

**_#memes_ **

**_Gigi the great:_** hot take…

**Imurdad | colby** : bahahaha, okay…

 **Imurdad | colby** : 

**Gigi the great** : But have you considered…

**Imurdad | colby** : lol compelling

 **Call-me-karen** : I mean…..👀

 **Celeste-is-Best** : Ha...ha...ha…*sob*

**_Direct Messages_ **

**Celeste-is-Best** : Gigi! we miss you! ur never online lately... 

**Celeste-is-Best** : too busy getting that ottoman empire dick, huhhh??

 **Gigi the great** : OMG Celeste! You’re out of control!

 **Celeste-is-Best** : that wasn’t a denial…

**_#main_ **

**Gigi the great** : Hey guys...sorry I haven’t been active lately

 **Gigi the great** : Quick update though....

 **Gigi the great** :

**blood_princess** : OSDFJweoiflkdfaf omgggggg gggggiiiiiiigiigigig!!!!!!

 **Jameson** : Holy shit, man. Congrats.

 **Celeste-is-Best** : GuillerrrrrrrrrrrmmmmmmooooooOooooO!O my baby! you look amazing!

 **call-me-karen** : DO YOU NEED A FAMILIAR!!?!?!?!?

 **Celeste-is-Best** : jesus, karen lol

 **blood_princess** : my master is having an orgy right now. I just locked myself in the bathroom--I’M FREAKING OUT!! What is it like? IS that blood on your collar??? OMG how was ur first feeding?

 **Imurdad | colby** : FAMILIARS ONLY, GUILLERMO!!

 **Imurdad | colby** : I’m kidding. OMG I’m so happy for you! (And burning with jealous rage)

 **Celeste-is-Best** : look how fucking happy Nandor is

 **Celeste-is-Best** : i’ve been shipping you two from the beginning, Gigi!

 **Celeste-is-Best** : …..hope you’re not going to forget who helped you out with those virgins last month…

\---

“Guillermo!” Nandor’s voice was half whine, half growl. “It’s very difficult to sleep with that light filling the coffin! What are you doing anyway?”

The screen illuminated Guillermo’s grin as he answered, “Just posted that selfie we took to the familiar chat. They’re freaking out.”

Nandor turned onto his side, nuzzling his face into Guillermo’s neck and tickling him with his beard, “That’s nice. Sleepy time now, Guillermo.” 

“Yes, master,” Guillermo breathed and Nandor purred low in his chest. Some things had changed since becoming a vampire and others had stayed the same. Calling Nandor “master” had taken on a new, thrilling subtext.

Nandor’s arms snaked around Guillermo, tugging the smaller vampire into his chest. He let out a contented sigh and his body went still as he began to fall asleep.

“I guess I should probably leave the group,” Guillermo yawned--force of habit. “Since I’m not a familiar anymore.”

Nandor wrenched himself from sleep with the power of his own petulance, “Hey! What do you mean ‘not a familiar anymore’? Just because a guy gives his boyfriend the gift of eternal life he thinks he can quit being his familiar!? Who’s going to brush my hair?! ‘Not a familiar anymore’... _fucking guy_ …”


End file.
